


without him

by onlygemma



Category: Phan, Phandom
Genre: Fluff, Future, Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Romance, Sad, phils pov, reader is phil, tabinof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:40:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6547312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlygemma/pseuds/onlygemma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's the anniversary of The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire and Phil looks back on Dan and himself making it. He is sad without him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	without him

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Phan fiction! I really enjoy writing them and I hope you enjoy reading them. I usually write them on my phone and they have a crap ton of spelling mistakes and all that but I'm on my computer so hopefully it is better!

Yes it was 2 years since Dan and I had published Tabinof. It was one of the best experiences of my life; I loved every single second of it! I loved how Dan and I would stay up to god knows what time writing endless paragraphs of the silly events that had happened in our life together, I loved how Dan would get stressed at certain parts of the book- making because he couldn't quite get the right words to describe what had happened and most of all I loved how when we had finished one of the "chapters" of the book Dan would let out one of the most proudest smiles. We were so proud to publish something that was our own, it felt like we had left a mark on this massive world, it felt like we had accomplished something we couldn't have imagined doing 6 years ago. It felt good!

 

If Dan was still here I know he would have made a big soppy video expressing all the emotions he had gone through thought-out the creation of the book, but he wasn't here, he isn't here.

Dan had passed around 5 months ago. We had our relationship exposed to the internet and it had literally broken him, but only left a few scars on me. Dan wasn't as open to his sexuality as I was. I had realised I was bisexual when I was around 14 years old and it felt good to be truthful to myself however Dan, Dan was tremendously different. I remember actually when he had told me he was bisexual. I already knew he was but I didn't want to rush him, he couldn't handle it and I didn't want to pressurise him. He told me in 2012, around the start of it. Dan had freaked out and lost touch with me completely. His videos were different, his attitude towards me was different and over all his personality was different, I didn't realised how much it could affect someone to be themselves. After the whole dreadful year it was, Dan started to get back to his normal self, acting more natural around me and around our fans on the internet. The whole "Phan" thing had made him so paranoid and so insecure, I didn't want this so I told a lie; I told Dan and the internet I felt absolutely no romantic love towards him. But that's how Dan got back to his normal self in 2013 and that made me so happy! We actually started to do collaborations again and we started to be friends again, it felt so good! 2013 and 2014 flew by, with my pretending to feel nothing for the love of my life but 2015 changed everything. 

Late in 2014 we had decided we were going to make a book, we didn't know what to call it but we were making it and this is how Dan and I got closer and I loved it! The internet could definitely tell that we were getting closer too, and Phan was coming back stronger than ever! There were more Phanfics, more explicit drawing, more everything however Dan didn't act how I expected him to act, he didn't seem to care, infact he actually enjoyed it!

That's when Dan started to become more flirty towards me and I started enjoying that ALOT! While we were making the book it felt like how we felt in 2009 when we were falling for each other ( yes, that was it) we were falling for each other all over again. Around April, Dan and I went to Japan and that it was when he dedicated his love towards me! It was on top of the big hill/ mountain we had climbed up, we stood there for a while then he wrapped his around my waist and kissed me on the mouth and told me "I love you". That was the best moment of my life.

When we finished TABINOF we were so proud and when we published it we were even prouder! The fans absolutely loved iy, i felt like crying, it was very emotional. The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire made Dan and I even closer. Being in such a small cute "tour bus" together wasn't awkward at all, if anything it was romantic.

After we finished the tour , it was 2016 and that year was when the Phandom really suspected a relationship between us two. Dan seemed a bit worried they would find out but I promised him they wouldn't, that year Dan was started to become slightly more paranoid at the end, like in 2012.p>

But then in 2017 is when one fan found out. We had gone to Japan to recreated our amazing adventure there and we had kissed at the top of the mountain again but one fan had been filming it the whole and taking pictures, it had gone VIRAL around the whole internet! That was it! Phan was real and not only were the fans shocked but so were our friends and family! Dan had been abandoned by his horrible family who said that "God doesn't like our sort of people"! So idiotic! And that was when Dan had started to loose his love for me again and had started to loose his happiness. He wasn't sleeping or eating or feeling anything, he was like a human blob.

The sad thing was that I wasn't surprised when I saw his dead body in our apartment when I got back from shopping day, he had often told me about his suicidal thoughts. The man I loved was dead and it felt like it was slightly my fault. But now I know it isn't . Dan never accepted himself, never accepted his sexuality. And now I feel very sorry for him.

 

And now I am here, celebrating the TABINOF, missing the love of my life

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is really sad!! but I hope you found it interesting!


End file.
